So few people are aware of auditory processing deficit as an actual thing that when explaining it I often just default to “It’s a hearing problem,” but that’s not accurate.
I have depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and PTSD. On any given day you might think I’m doing just fine by looking at my outside — but inside, I’m telling myself it’s okay, I deserve to eat food. I’m telling myself I’m worthy of love. I’m trying to calm the rising storm of panic, at least long enough so I can get to my closet to hide. I’m screaming against the noise of my illness, trying to be as loud as the ocean, trying to drown the voices once and for all.
I ended up blogging about this on my profile at Google+ — it’s public, so anyone can read it. I figured I’d quote a bit from it, and if you want you can read the whole thing.
No one is every any good at anything until they practice, yet I’m the worst sort of drill sergeant in my own head, screaming at me, calling me a maggot, because I wasn’t perfect the first time — or because I THOUGHT about quitting.
Gods know how I ever got to a point where I not only finished but published two novels. I think I have, entirely, my outside support system to thank for that.
If you’re anything like me you know exactly what this is like. Half your brain goes “You could totally model for Addition Elle/write for xoJane/dance burlesque and dominate the scene because you are a queen/maybe do something adult with your life like trying to fix your massive piles of debt!” and the other half goes “But what about your complete lack of talent/complete lack of talent/crippled back/complete inability to function in the real world?” and you spend the rest of the night curled up in bed, crying and eating ice cream, because that apparently fucking helps, until you run
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjVfbPt_DBY] I’m back after several months away! In this vlog I talk about a lot of stuff, including how I deal with a bad day, in response to Jenny Trout’s Roadhouse video from May 3rd. And, you know, I swear like a sailor, assuming sailors swear a fuck of a lot.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. –Douglas Adams I had several deadlines this month, and I think I missed half of them. I’m not entirely sure, as I never wrote them down in my own calendar, but I did announce them to other people. That was probably silly. Anyway, if you’re one of the people who got an announcement from me about certain release dates of certain ebooks (mine and Kaimana Wolff’s) for certain formats/sites…I’m still formatting. Probably won’t be done till the end of the month. I used to be
I keep questioning myself on how open and honest I should be on my blog. Sometimes I think I should share everything, hold nothing back, and just be myself. Other times I think I should keep as much private as possible — only show the good sides, only have positive, uplifting things to say. I’ll admit, that opinion is heavily influenced by most ‘blogging advice for writers’. It’s wrong, though. At least, it is if you’re blogging about your life. My phone alarm just went off with a certain theme from Doctor Who. It’s an 11th Doctor theme, and
Today there’s a campaign going from Bell, one of Canada’s mobile providers. For every tweet with the hashtag #BellLetsTalk, they’ll donate 5 cents to funding mental health initiatives across Canada. (They’re also donating for each text or call their customers make, and for every share of the Bell Let’s Talk image.) You can read more about their campaign here. I probably don’t have to say why this is important to me. If you’ve been around for a while, you’ve noticed that I’ve mentioned my depression and anxiety. I try to be open as possible about the mental health issues