Thoughts on True Blood, Season 7, Episode 3, or “This is why we don’t do Mob Rule, children”

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And we begin another episode. Actually we’re re-watching this one as well, because I didn’t get my thoughts down the first time. The things I do for y’all. WITNESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU

Spoilers, etc. Mild trigger warning for use of a homophobic slur and anti-queer violence (ostensibly shown as anti-vamp, but come on).

  • I really wish Jason had killed this chick when he had the chance. That’s all I have to say about this first scene. Whatshername is annoying as fuck and she’s back, doing yoga and following a guru. Hooray.
  • Annnnd confirmation that Tara really did meet the True Death. Goddammit. You guys totally fucked her over there, writers. Doesn’t even get a death scene. We are not in a Greek tragedy here! Important deaths should happen onscreen!
  • Listening to Skarsgard speak French is really awesome, just saying.
  • Six minutes in for sex/nudity isn’t bad, but still doesn’t beat last week’s episode. Anyway, this is heterosexual sex, so. Boring.
  • Oh man, now my brain is writing Pam/Nan hate-slash.
  • “Mainstreaming is going to become a reality.”
    “And everyone lived bored and suicidally ever after.” This right here is why I love Eric.
  • Honestly though I don’t see why it was so hard for Eric to keep his romance clandestine and pay taxes to the sheriff? Is his “fuck da man” streak just that fucking hard to ignore?
  • Yes, Sookie, this is a good idea: run off with your ex, while covering your scent so your werewolf boyfriend can’t track you. Only good can come from this. Shine on, stupid diamond.
  • Dear Sam: Jesus helps those who help themselves. These people did not stay indoors during the night or refuse to answer the door. They did not help themselves.
  • Hey Lettie Mae. Tara just popped out, should I tell her you came by? –Jesus.
  • Shut the fuck up Percy.
  • If it’s not clear enough that mob rule is shit, here we have someone call a gay vampire a “fag” and then shoot him. JUST IN CASE IT’S NOT CLEAR.
  • Also why is this mob so stupid as to be roaming around at night? oh right, MOB.
  • Yes, waste your bullets shooting at and missing Sam. Good idea.
  • Some good old-fashioned misogyny from Violet! Hooray!
  • …”iron-forged cock”? Are you secretly from Westeros? Are you a White Walker, Violet? Come to Bon Temps for some warmth?
  • SEE? Lafayette is happy to stay inside during the night! He’s keeping busy! IT’S SO SIMPLE
  • Nope, no innuendo there in Laffy’s “I’ll do the swallowing.” NONE AT ALL
  • “Which one of you thinks she’s Harry Potter? I said WHICH ONE?” (I see what you did there.)
  • Seriously how has no one figured out that the Hep V vamps are in Fangtasia? IT IS SO OBVIOUS oh right, you are all stupid.
  • Your life is really difficult, Sookie. Love is not a wang-measuring contest (or maybe it is, not judging people’s kinks).
  • What, the mob has just been hanging out in this SAME PLACE all night? What the fuck?
  • Maybe Jess isn’t healing because she hasn’t eaten in days? Thought?
  • Yes, this is what happens when you fuck around outside at night while packs of Hep V vamps are roaming the countryside. YOU GET EATEN
  • Oh man, I hope there is more gay sex in this show.
  • …as I say that, Sam and Alcide meet naked in a forest.
  • Sookie, behold, a gift: the world’s smallest violin.
  • I actually like this little interlude showing Bill when he was human. It’s kind of interesting. Not really sure what the point is, but I like it.
  • I’m not a huge fan of Lettie Mae as a character, but I do really like this little bit from the reverend about how they saved each other. Also, smart move on his part to remove the temptation to Lettie Mae from the equation. (Not that I think it will work, but.)
  • Uh. Uh. No. NO. What the fuck– oh thank gods. He’s alive. Laffy is alive. I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK GUISE
  • Hah, there was very clearly sunlight through the window when James left. Vamp-BBQ.
  • This episode seems way longer the second time through.
  • And this is why I was wondering why toeing the line was so hard for Eric to do. Yeah, it sucks, but then maybe Sylvie would still be alive. Though also I don’t understand why they didn’t just make Sylvie a vamp or something.
  • Like Maker, like Progeny? Eric is going super-Godric here.
  • SARAH NEWLIN, that’s her name. Well, that’s one way to get Eric galvanized.
  • …and she’s fucking her new guru, are we surprised? No. No, we are not. Oh gods, this sex scene is awful. Ugh. Oh gods did you really just say Namaste as you came? SERIOUSLY? Augh. I hope you die soon.
  • Wow their pillow-talk is even more painful to endure than the sex was.
  • Goodbye guru. Maybe Sarah should wear a warning sign that she brings death and destruction wherever she goes? Just a thought.
  • Also, this particular group of Yakuza is REALLY BAD AT THEIR JOB. “Go kill Sarah Newlin. When you find her guru and he refuses to tell you where she is, kill him and leave. Definitely don’t search the house for her, whatever you do. No possible way she could be hiding there, when our intelligence clearly tells us she’s fucking him.” Also if their intelligence didn’t tell them she’s fucking the guru, then they Super Fail. Kings of Fail. All aboard the Failboat! TOOT TOOT
  • Face-off among Hep V vamps, mob rulers, and good guys! Excitement! Bullets! Some sort of weird baptism in the river for Sookie! A wang-measuring contest/pissing match between Bill and Alcide!
  • Alcide looks remarkably happy when dead. Probably glad he’s getting off this awful trainwreck.
  • Welp, I guess that leaves room for Sookie to get back together with Bill. WHO CALLED IT? THIS PERSON CALLED IT, THAT’S RIGHT.

Episode 4 should be up in the next few days.